This entry is a little personal for me. In fact, I wrestled with whether or not I should write it. Some experiences are so intimate and sacred that to publicly share them seems to take away or diminish the experience itself.
But after much thought (my mind is consumed) I've decided to go ahead and write about it. In this case, it is one of those experiences I don't want to keep to myself. So here it is.
I took a trip to Nebraska to see my sister last weekend. I didn't leave for the trip until after I got off work which was about 4:00 in the afternoon. It was going to be about a 6 1/2 hour trip so I was ready to get on the road.
My road trips usually consist of a stop at Wendy's ASAP. So, when I was a little outside of the St. Louis area I pulled into the nearest Wendy's and ate way too much. I listened to the St. Louis radio stations for as long as I could until the static forced me to hit the "seek" button. I couldn't find anything good so I turned the radio off and decided to have some time with God just talking. For the past several weeks I've been feeling exhausted, sometimes overwhelmed, and just overall tired. It's not like there was just one thing making me feel this way. In fact, things are going great with us. But sometimes life takes you in the valleys and mountain tops, and as far as strength goes, I was walking through a valley. I found this quote the day I left and it perfectly summed up how I was feeling: "I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel." Again, I can't pinpoint one thing that was draining my strength - it's just a part of life.
So I began to pour everything out to God. My frustrations, my struggles, you name it. I was emptying my heart. After some tears and much needed quiet, I decided to try out the radio again. I couldn't find anything worth stopping on, so I turned on the music I have on my phone. Since my car is equipped with Blue Tooth, I could listen to my music through the car speakers. I put my phone on shuffle and let the songs entertain me at random. I was jamming to Ace of Base, Carmen, Old School DCTalk, and more. Then a Chris Tomlin song came on. I was very close to changing the song because, while he is a talented singer/songwriter, he can sometimes be overplayed by Christian radio. However, I wasn't familiar with this particular song so I just left it on. The song talks about how Christ is our beloved and we are His. I was digging it and listening. Then I began to worship as I was learning the song. I am a visual person so sometimes I like to imagine God on His throne as we worship. Somehow it helps me focus and it's also fun to imagine what heaven might be like. :) Anyway, as I began to envision God on His throne, immediately I saw a picture of a rectangle with people walking on it, but it was so bright, almost blinding to the naked eye, but no one was squinting or blinded from it. They were walking around like normal. The Bible says there is no darkness or shadow in heaven. God is light and God is everywhere, therefore shadows and darkness cannot exist in heaven. While I wouldn't necessarily call this a vision, I would say God opened up my imagination just a little bit to see a tiny glimpse of what my earthly mind can comprehend heaven to be like. Immediately I started bawling like a baby. Bawling. Seriously it was a literal "Jesus for real, take the wheel" moment. I could hardly see the road. It wasn't so much because of what I saw, but because I tangibly felt God in my car. It was a presence so thick that my heart could see everything my eyes couldn't. I'm not sure how else to explain it.
Finally the song came to an end and I decided to just put it on repeat. At the same moment in the song, I began sobbing. Every time I listened to the song, at the same exact moment I lost it! There wasn't even a warning. No lump in my throat, no build up of tears. Just BAM! It was crazy - in an amazing way. It was as if God took everything I had laid before Him earlier in my trip and washed it all away. Everything I was struggling with seemed so trivial and still does. Not in a way that it doesn't matter anymore, but in a way that how I feel about it has changed. I felt like a completely different person, and still do.
If I could use a word picture to describe how I felt I would say this: whatever cracks I had in my foundation are completely filled. I feel that I'm standing on a solid foundation again. I feel that the Potter is molding me. I feel like God is real. I have believed in God for as long as I can remember. This was one of those moments where if I ever had doubts as to God's existence, they were washed away. God was clearly speaking to me on this trip. I am humbled, I am blessed.
God.....wow. You are so good.
Here is a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGTJa-xZJiI
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Reminiscing (warning...this one is a little mushy)
I heard a love song on Pandora today (When a Man Loves a Woman) and I started thinking about all the little things Josh does for me and it filled me with a feeling of overwhelming love and gratefulness for all he does.
One memory of him being amazing keeps playing over and over again in my head so I thought I'd write about it. :)
When we were living in South Africa, I got a staph infection in my hands that turned septic. It was horrible. I could hardly do anything. Shower, get dressed, use the restroom, brush my hair, eat. Josh had to help me with everything. And he did it without complaining. But that is not the memory that stands out. Because of the infection, when anything touched my hands it caused excruciating pain. Even sleeping became quite the task. When I finally was diagnosed and got proper medicine, slowly but surely the pain went away, along with all the other symptoms. I remember the first time I was able to interlock my fingers as I was praying. It was such a great feeling!
One day we came back to our house with our team and Josh and I were walking up to the door. He took my hand and held it as we ascended the stairs to the house. One of our team members turned around and said how cute it was that Josh held my hand even on really short walks (from the car to the door). He looked at her and said, "I have to make up for lost time." When my hands were hurt, he couldn't hold them. I never thought about him missing that. Those 8 words have found a permanent place in my heart. Josh meant what he said. He wasn't trying to be sweet or earn brownie points. He was just being genuine.
This made me think of all the other ways Josh is amazing. I will give just one more story. Last year I was visiting my sister and her family in Nebraska. I kissed my nephew goodbye the night before I left because I was leaving very early the next morning. Or so I thought. I guess my nephew wanted me to hang around a little longer because he passed on his stomach virus to me through that sweet little kiss. So I stayed a few more hours until I felt "well" enough to tackle the 6 hour drive home. By the time I got home that evening, my temperature was 101. I knew I had to eat something so Josh made some chicken noodle soup. I took just a few bites before climbing into bed.
The next day I was feeling better but still sick so I made some more soup. It was the same brand that Josh had made the day before, but this one had carrots in it. It dawned on me that Josh had picked out all of the little carrot pieces because he knows I don't like them. I'm pretty sure I started crying right away and had to call him and tell him how amazing he is.
I'm not sure why I felt the need to write these two memories down, but I just had a feeling that I should so I did. I am so blessed to have married such an amazing man. For these reasons and more I am so passionate about young women waiting for the man God has chosen for them instead of settling for what they think is the best they can do. There has been a blog brewing in my brain about this for some time so hopefully soon the time will come for me to write that one. But until then, ladies - wait for your man. Pray for your husband. I started praying for my husband when I was 15. When I finally met him, I recognized him. And I didn't meet him until I was 23 (almost 24). He's worth the wait!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0CxOTheRJk&list=RDh0CxOTheRJk
This is a link to my favorite version of "When a Man Loves a Woman". Enjoy!
One memory of him being amazing keeps playing over and over again in my head so I thought I'd write about it. :)
When we were living in South Africa, I got a staph infection in my hands that turned septic. It was horrible. I could hardly do anything. Shower, get dressed, use the restroom, brush my hair, eat. Josh had to help me with everything. And he did it without complaining. But that is not the memory that stands out. Because of the infection, when anything touched my hands it caused excruciating pain. Even sleeping became quite the task. When I finally was diagnosed and got proper medicine, slowly but surely the pain went away, along with all the other symptoms. I remember the first time I was able to interlock my fingers as I was praying. It was such a great feeling!
One day we came back to our house with our team and Josh and I were walking up to the door. He took my hand and held it as we ascended the stairs to the house. One of our team members turned around and said how cute it was that Josh held my hand even on really short walks (from the car to the door). He looked at her and said, "I have to make up for lost time." When my hands were hurt, he couldn't hold them. I never thought about him missing that. Those 8 words have found a permanent place in my heart. Josh meant what he said. He wasn't trying to be sweet or earn brownie points. He was just being genuine.
This made me think of all the other ways Josh is amazing. I will give just one more story. Last year I was visiting my sister and her family in Nebraska. I kissed my nephew goodbye the night before I left because I was leaving very early the next morning. Or so I thought. I guess my nephew wanted me to hang around a little longer because he passed on his stomach virus to me through that sweet little kiss. So I stayed a few more hours until I felt "well" enough to tackle the 6 hour drive home. By the time I got home that evening, my temperature was 101. I knew I had to eat something so Josh made some chicken noodle soup. I took just a few bites before climbing into bed.
The next day I was feeling better but still sick so I made some more soup. It was the same brand that Josh had made the day before, but this one had carrots in it. It dawned on me that Josh had picked out all of the little carrot pieces because he knows I don't like them. I'm pretty sure I started crying right away and had to call him and tell him how amazing he is.
I'm not sure why I felt the need to write these two memories down, but I just had a feeling that I should so I did. I am so blessed to have married such an amazing man. For these reasons and more I am so passionate about young women waiting for the man God has chosen for them instead of settling for what they think is the best they can do. There has been a blog brewing in my brain about this for some time so hopefully soon the time will come for me to write that one. But until then, ladies - wait for your man. Pray for your husband. I started praying for my husband when I was 15. When I finally met him, I recognized him. And I didn't meet him until I was 23 (almost 24). He's worth the wait!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0CxOTheRJk&list=RDh0CxOTheRJk
This is a link to my favorite version of "When a Man Loves a Woman". Enjoy!
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Transparency
Since my last post, I heard from so many women who understood and appreciated the content of the blog. That support has inspired me to write more so maybe I can help those of you who are going through the same struggle I am.
It has now been almost a year since we began fertility testing and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. Through all of our doctors appointments, procedures, blood work, etc. there has only been one time that my doctor has said, "I have good news for you." One time. While I always try to hold my head up high, think positive thoughts, hold on to hope, I still have my bad days. Days where I ask God, "Why us?"
I titled this blog "Transparency" because I want to be as transparent with you as I can. I tend to be an open book anyway, but I want to be real with you about the struggles that women in my shoes and couples in our shoes face everyday when suffering with infertility.
Our journey with testing began with Josh having to have a semen analysis. This is where they analyze the sperm and determine if his sperm count is high or low, how the motility is and if there are any abnormal sperm. His test came back great which was a relief because I didn't want anything to be wrong with him. But then that left only one person who was "damaged"- me. Don't get me wrong, Josh never made me feel like damaged goods or that I was less of a woman or anything like that. But as a woman, it's just how you feel when you realize your body is the one who won't allow you to carry a baby.
So then I had to undergo all kinds of tests. First, my gynecologist ordered blood work in which they tested hormone levels, ovarian reserve levels, ovulation regularity and all of that. Those all came back fine. Then I had to undergo a hysterosalpingogram or HSG. This is where they inject dye into your uterus to see if there is any blockage there or in your tubes. I had heard horror stories about how painful this was so I asked my family to give me their favorite Bible verses that I could write down on index cards and bring them with me into the room. I read those verses over and over and they helped me stay calm and focused. Thankfully, Josh was allowed into the room (which we were initially told he wouldn't be). He held my hand and was there for me the entire time. The procedure didn't hurt nearly as bad as I was expecting or as I was told. It felt more like bad cramps that come on all of a sudden instead of gradually.
The HSG confirmed that my right tube was open but my left tube was either blocked or shut. There was also something in my uterus that wasn't supposed to be there. So the next step was to take that information to our fertility doctor and see what her opinion was. Through an ultra sound she found a polyp in my uterus and a cyst the size of a peach in my left ovary. She was amazed that I had not had any symptoms caused by the cyst, which she suspected to be endometriosis. From the outside I had not had any symptoms that anything internal was not right. I had very regular periods with cramping that wasn't debilitating. I took ovulation tests every month and I ovulated at the same time every month. There were no clear warning signs that anything was wrong.
We scheduled a surgery to drain the cyst and remove the polyp. During the surgery, my doctor actually found 4 polyps in my uterus. She removed all of them and drained the cyst and sent the fluid off to be tested. It came back positive for endometriosis. She said it is rare not to have endometriosis on both sides, but mine was local only to the left side.
Two weeks later I went back to the doctor for a follow up ultrasound and found that the cyst had grown back. She said sometimes that happens and she went ahead and drained it. Side note: I got to watch from the ultrasound screen and it was really cool to see her drain the cyst :) The cyst was filled with a chocolatey type substance that is consistent with endometriosis, so my doctor was discouraged that it had filled up again so quickly.
While all my testing was going on, our doctor asked us to have Josh's semen analyzed again. She said they like to check for any patterns. With this test, they determined that Josh's sperm count was almost half of what it should be, his motility was a little low and there were some abnormal sperm present. His motility and abnormal sperm isn't quite a concern to the doctor but the low sperm count is. (Don't worry-I asked him if he minded if I included this into the blog and he said it was fine :) )
I went back again two weeks later to find out that the cyst had not only grown back, but there were actually two 3 cm cysts in my left ovary. I felt like we could not catch a break! In the midst of all of this, I had to redo some of my initial blood work because the lab wouldn't fax it over to my doctor. The one piece of good news we received was when my doctor got the second round of results. She said my ovarian reserve should be at about a 2 for someone my age, and mine is actually a 3! I can still replay that conversation in my head and I do that often when I need to remember that we have heard some good news through this process.
My doctor recommended us to another doctor who specializes in endometriosis and who performs minimally invasive surgery. We met with her in early November, and we fell in love with her! She took the time to answer all of our questions and was sensitive to our situation. We scheduled the second surgery for December 18th. In this surgery, she made 4 small incisions in my abdomen and she removed the cyst. She also discovered that there really wasn't a lot of endometriosis-almost none-but whatever she did find, she removed. She said my tubes looked good (although my left tube still appeared blocked, it wasn't damaged in any way) and physically everything looked ready for pregnancy.
Still....we have yet to get pregnant. My blood work also revealed that I have what is called Natural Killer Cells. This is related to auto-immune diseases and since I have a family history of auto-immune diseases, my doctor wanted to test me for these cells. You only need 10% of these cells present to be considered positive and I tested 9.9% and 10.9% (they run your blood twice). This means that were I to conceive, my body would recognize the fertilized egg as a foreign body and would attack it to where I would either miscarry or the egg would never implant in the first place.
That brings us to where we are now. All of the testing we can do has been done, all of the procedures we can do are done. There is nothing left for us to do except IVF. Josh and I talked about it and we decided that we are not going to do IVF. It is a very expensive procedure and because I tested positive for the Natural Killer Cells, I would need to have IV antibiotics before and after implantation which increases the price. While we know and understand that going through these procedures could result in pregnancy, the fact is they may not.
So as it stands at this moment, we have less than 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own. I thought I had dealt with that fact until this morning at church. We were singing a song with these words: "My whole life is Yours. I give it all. Surrendered to Your Name." It was all I could do to keep myself from breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I waited until we were in the car to do that :) I realized that while I would say I was okay and that I have handed everything over to God, the fact is I held a little bit back. I never grieved the fact that I may never carry a baby. I can't say that I am finished grieving or that I will be finished by tomorrow. But I can say that I now recognize the fact that I need to grieve and fully hand our situation over to the Lord. And I will do that....one day at a time.
Through all of this, we still have hope. We know that God resides in that fraction of a percent. And we have all confidence that if it is His will for us, we will get pregnant. In the meantime we have decided to pursue adoption and we are so excited about it! We found an agency that we feel is the right fit for us and we are in the process of filling out the application :) It is a freeing feeling to fully trust the Lord even if it means waiting awhile for the answer.
I know this was a long blog, but I hope it helps at least one person. I am praying for all of you women and couples out there who are going through the same struggle we are. You are not alone - even on those days when it feels like you are. I am always praying for you!
It has now been almost a year since we began fertility testing and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. Through all of our doctors appointments, procedures, blood work, etc. there has only been one time that my doctor has said, "I have good news for you." One time. While I always try to hold my head up high, think positive thoughts, hold on to hope, I still have my bad days. Days where I ask God, "Why us?"
I titled this blog "Transparency" because I want to be as transparent with you as I can. I tend to be an open book anyway, but I want to be real with you about the struggles that women in my shoes and couples in our shoes face everyday when suffering with infertility.
Our journey with testing began with Josh having to have a semen analysis. This is where they analyze the sperm and determine if his sperm count is high or low, how the motility is and if there are any abnormal sperm. His test came back great which was a relief because I didn't want anything to be wrong with him. But then that left only one person who was "damaged"- me. Don't get me wrong, Josh never made me feel like damaged goods or that I was less of a woman or anything like that. But as a woman, it's just how you feel when you realize your body is the one who won't allow you to carry a baby.
So then I had to undergo all kinds of tests. First, my gynecologist ordered blood work in which they tested hormone levels, ovarian reserve levels, ovulation regularity and all of that. Those all came back fine. Then I had to undergo a hysterosalpingogram or HSG. This is where they inject dye into your uterus to see if there is any blockage there or in your tubes. I had heard horror stories about how painful this was so I asked my family to give me their favorite Bible verses that I could write down on index cards and bring them with me into the room. I read those verses over and over and they helped me stay calm and focused. Thankfully, Josh was allowed into the room (which we were initially told he wouldn't be). He held my hand and was there for me the entire time. The procedure didn't hurt nearly as bad as I was expecting or as I was told. It felt more like bad cramps that come on all of a sudden instead of gradually.
The HSG confirmed that my right tube was open but my left tube was either blocked or shut. There was also something in my uterus that wasn't supposed to be there. So the next step was to take that information to our fertility doctor and see what her opinion was. Through an ultra sound she found a polyp in my uterus and a cyst the size of a peach in my left ovary. She was amazed that I had not had any symptoms caused by the cyst, which she suspected to be endometriosis. From the outside I had not had any symptoms that anything internal was not right. I had very regular periods with cramping that wasn't debilitating. I took ovulation tests every month and I ovulated at the same time every month. There were no clear warning signs that anything was wrong.
We scheduled a surgery to drain the cyst and remove the polyp. During the surgery, my doctor actually found 4 polyps in my uterus. She removed all of them and drained the cyst and sent the fluid off to be tested. It came back positive for endometriosis. She said it is rare not to have endometriosis on both sides, but mine was local only to the left side.
Two weeks later I went back to the doctor for a follow up ultrasound and found that the cyst had grown back. She said sometimes that happens and she went ahead and drained it. Side note: I got to watch from the ultrasound screen and it was really cool to see her drain the cyst :) The cyst was filled with a chocolatey type substance that is consistent with endometriosis, so my doctor was discouraged that it had filled up again so quickly.
While all my testing was going on, our doctor asked us to have Josh's semen analyzed again. She said they like to check for any patterns. With this test, they determined that Josh's sperm count was almost half of what it should be, his motility was a little low and there were some abnormal sperm present. His motility and abnormal sperm isn't quite a concern to the doctor but the low sperm count is. (Don't worry-I asked him if he minded if I included this into the blog and he said it was fine :) )
I went back again two weeks later to find out that the cyst had not only grown back, but there were actually two 3 cm cysts in my left ovary. I felt like we could not catch a break! In the midst of all of this, I had to redo some of my initial blood work because the lab wouldn't fax it over to my doctor. The one piece of good news we received was when my doctor got the second round of results. She said my ovarian reserve should be at about a 2 for someone my age, and mine is actually a 3! I can still replay that conversation in my head and I do that often when I need to remember that we have heard some good news through this process.
My doctor recommended us to another doctor who specializes in endometriosis and who performs minimally invasive surgery. We met with her in early November, and we fell in love with her! She took the time to answer all of our questions and was sensitive to our situation. We scheduled the second surgery for December 18th. In this surgery, she made 4 small incisions in my abdomen and she removed the cyst. She also discovered that there really wasn't a lot of endometriosis-almost none-but whatever she did find, she removed. She said my tubes looked good (although my left tube still appeared blocked, it wasn't damaged in any way) and physically everything looked ready for pregnancy.
Still....we have yet to get pregnant. My blood work also revealed that I have what is called Natural Killer Cells. This is related to auto-immune diseases and since I have a family history of auto-immune diseases, my doctor wanted to test me for these cells. You only need 10% of these cells present to be considered positive and I tested 9.9% and 10.9% (they run your blood twice). This means that were I to conceive, my body would recognize the fertilized egg as a foreign body and would attack it to where I would either miscarry or the egg would never implant in the first place.
That brings us to where we are now. All of the testing we can do has been done, all of the procedures we can do are done. There is nothing left for us to do except IVF. Josh and I talked about it and we decided that we are not going to do IVF. It is a very expensive procedure and because I tested positive for the Natural Killer Cells, I would need to have IV antibiotics before and after implantation which increases the price. While we know and understand that going through these procedures could result in pregnancy, the fact is they may not.
So as it stands at this moment, we have less than 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own. I thought I had dealt with that fact until this morning at church. We were singing a song with these words: "My whole life is Yours. I give it all. Surrendered to Your Name." It was all I could do to keep myself from breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I waited until we were in the car to do that :) I realized that while I would say I was okay and that I have handed everything over to God, the fact is I held a little bit back. I never grieved the fact that I may never carry a baby. I can't say that I am finished grieving or that I will be finished by tomorrow. But I can say that I now recognize the fact that I need to grieve and fully hand our situation over to the Lord. And I will do that....one day at a time.
Through all of this, we still have hope. We know that God resides in that fraction of a percent. And we have all confidence that if it is His will for us, we will get pregnant. In the meantime we have decided to pursue adoption and we are so excited about it! We found an agency that we feel is the right fit for us and we are in the process of filling out the application :) It is a freeing feeling to fully trust the Lord even if it means waiting awhile for the answer.
I know this was a long blog, but I hope it helps at least one person. I am praying for all of you women and couples out there who are going through the same struggle we are. You are not alone - even on those days when it feels like you are. I am always praying for you!
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