Since my last post, I heard from so many women who understood and appreciated the content of the blog. That support has inspired me to write more so maybe I can help those of you who are going through the same struggle I am.
It has now been almost a year since we began fertility testing and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. Through all of our doctors appointments, procedures, blood work, etc. there has only been one time that my doctor has said, "I have good news for you." One time. While I always try to hold my head up high, think positive thoughts, hold on to hope, I still have my bad days. Days where I ask God, "Why us?"
I titled this blog "Transparency" because I want to be as transparent with you as I can. I tend to be an open book anyway, but I want to be real with you about the struggles that women in my shoes and couples in our shoes face everyday when suffering with infertility.
Our journey with testing began with Josh having to have a semen analysis. This is where they analyze the sperm and determine if his sperm count is high or low, how the motility is and if there are any abnormal sperm. His test came back great which was a relief because I didn't want anything to be wrong with him. But then that left only one person who was "damaged"- me. Don't get me wrong, Josh never made me feel like damaged goods or that I was less of a woman or anything like that. But as a woman, it's just how you feel when you realize your body is the one who won't allow you to carry a baby.
So then I had to undergo all kinds of tests. First, my gynecologist ordered blood work in which they tested hormone levels, ovarian reserve levels, ovulation regularity and all of that. Those all came back fine. Then I had to undergo a hysterosalpingogram or HSG. This is where they inject dye into your uterus to see if there is any blockage there or in your tubes. I had heard horror stories about how painful this was so I asked my family to give me their favorite Bible verses that I could write down on index cards and bring them with me into the room. I read those verses over and over and they helped me stay calm and focused. Thankfully, Josh was allowed into the room (which we were initially told he wouldn't be). He held my hand and was there for me the entire time. The procedure didn't hurt nearly as bad as I was expecting or as I was told. It felt more like bad cramps that come on all of a sudden instead of gradually.
The HSG confirmed that my right tube was open but my left tube was either blocked or shut. There was also something in my uterus that wasn't supposed to be there. So the next step was to take that information to our fertility doctor and see what her opinion was. Through an ultra sound she found a polyp in my uterus and a cyst the size of a peach in my left ovary. She was amazed that I had not had any symptoms caused by the cyst, which she suspected to be endometriosis. From the outside I had not had any symptoms that anything internal was not right. I had very regular periods with cramping that wasn't debilitating. I took ovulation tests every month and I ovulated at the same time every month. There were no clear warning signs that anything was wrong.
We scheduled a surgery to drain the cyst and remove the polyp. During the surgery, my doctor actually found 4 polyps in my uterus. She removed all of them and drained the cyst and sent the fluid off to be tested. It came back positive for endometriosis. She said it is rare not to have endometriosis on both sides, but mine was local only to the left side.
Two weeks later I went back to the doctor for a follow up ultrasound and found that the cyst had grown back. She said sometimes that happens and she went ahead and drained it. Side note: I got to watch from the ultrasound screen and it was really cool to see her drain the cyst :) The cyst was filled with a chocolatey type substance that is consistent with endometriosis, so my doctor was discouraged that it had filled up again so quickly.
While all my testing was going on, our doctor asked us to have Josh's semen analyzed again. She said they like to check for any patterns. With this test, they determined that Josh's sperm count was almost half of what it should be, his motility was a little low and there were some abnormal sperm present. His motility and abnormal sperm isn't quite a concern to the doctor but the low sperm count is. (Don't worry-I asked him if he minded if I included this into the blog and he said it was fine :) )
I went back again two weeks later to find out that the cyst had not only grown back, but there were actually two 3 cm cysts in my left ovary. I felt like we could not catch a break! In the midst of all of this, I had to redo some of my initial blood work because the lab wouldn't fax it over to my doctor. The one piece of good news we received was when my doctor got the second round of results. She said my ovarian reserve should be at about a 2 for someone my age, and mine is actually a 3! I can still replay that conversation in my head and I do that often when I need to remember that we have heard some good news through this process.
My doctor recommended us to another doctor who specializes in endometriosis and who performs minimally invasive surgery. We met with her in early November, and we fell in love with her! She took the time to answer all of our questions and was sensitive to our situation. We scheduled the second surgery for December 18th. In this surgery, she made 4 small incisions in my abdomen and she removed the cyst. She also discovered that there really wasn't a lot of endometriosis-almost none-but whatever she did find, she removed. She said my tubes looked good (although my left tube still appeared blocked, it wasn't damaged in any way) and physically everything looked ready for pregnancy.
Still....we have yet to get pregnant. My blood work also revealed that I have what is called Natural Killer Cells. This is related to auto-immune diseases and since I have a family history of auto-immune diseases, my doctor wanted to test me for these cells. You only need 10% of these cells present to be considered positive and I tested 9.9% and 10.9% (they run your blood twice). This means that were I to conceive, my body would recognize the fertilized egg as a foreign body and would attack it to where I would either miscarry or the egg would never implant in the first place.
That brings us to where we are now. All of the testing we can do has been done, all of the procedures we can do are done. There is nothing left for us to do except IVF. Josh and I talked about it and we decided that we are not going to do IVF. It is a very expensive procedure and because I tested positive for the Natural Killer Cells, I would need to have IV antibiotics before and after implantation which increases the price. While we know and understand that going through these procedures could result in pregnancy, the fact is they may not.
So as it stands at this moment, we have less than 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own. I thought I had dealt with that fact until this morning at church. We were singing a song with these words: "My whole life is Yours. I give it all. Surrendered to Your Name." It was all I could do to keep myself from breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I waited until we were in the car to do that :) I realized that while I would say I was okay and that I have handed everything over to God, the fact is I held a little bit back. I never grieved the fact that I may never carry a baby. I can't say that I am finished grieving or that I will be finished by tomorrow. But I can say that I now recognize the fact that I need to grieve and fully hand our situation over to the Lord. And I will do that....one day at a time.
Through all of this, we still have hope. We know that God resides in that fraction of a percent. And we have all confidence that if it is His will for us, we will get pregnant. In the meantime we have decided to pursue adoption and we are so excited about it! We found an agency that we feel is the right fit for us and we are in the process of filling out the application :) It is a freeing feeling to fully trust the Lord even if it means waiting awhile for the answer.
I know this was a long blog, but I hope it helps at least one person. I am praying for all of you women and couples out there who are going through the same struggle we are. You are not alone - even on those days when it feels like you are. I am always praying for you!
