This entry is a little personal for me. In fact, I wrestled with whether or not I should write it. Some experiences are so intimate and sacred that to publicly share them seems to take away or diminish the experience itself.
But after much thought (my mind is consumed) I've decided to go ahead and write about it. In this case, it is one of those experiences I don't want to keep to myself. So here it is.
I took a trip to Nebraska to see my sister last weekend. I didn't leave for the trip until after I got off work which was about 4:00 in the afternoon. It was going to be about a 6 1/2 hour trip so I was ready to get on the road.
My road trips usually consist of a stop at Wendy's ASAP. So, when I was a little outside of the St. Louis area I pulled into the nearest Wendy's and ate way too much. I listened to the St. Louis radio stations for as long as I could until the static forced me to hit the "seek" button. I couldn't find anything good so I turned the radio off and decided to have some time with God just talking. For the past several weeks I've been feeling exhausted, sometimes overwhelmed, and just overall tired. It's not like there was just one thing making me feel this way. In fact, things are going great with us. But sometimes life takes you in the valleys and mountain tops, and as far as strength goes, I was walking through a valley. I found this quote the day I left and it perfectly summed up how I was feeling: "I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel." Again, I can't pinpoint one thing that was draining my strength - it's just a part of life.
So I began to pour everything out to God. My frustrations, my struggles, you name it. I was emptying my heart. After some tears and much needed quiet, I decided to try out the radio again. I couldn't find anything worth stopping on, so I turned on the music I have on my phone. Since my car is equipped with Blue Tooth, I could listen to my music through the car speakers. I put my phone on shuffle and let the songs entertain me at random. I was jamming to Ace of Base, Carmen, Old School DCTalk, and more. Then a Chris Tomlin song came on. I was very close to changing the song because, while he is a talented singer/songwriter, he can sometimes be overplayed by Christian radio. However, I wasn't familiar with this particular song so I just left it on. The song talks about how Christ is our beloved and we are His. I was digging it and listening. Then I began to worship as I was learning the song. I am a visual person so sometimes I like to imagine God on His throne as we worship. Somehow it helps me focus and it's also fun to imagine what heaven might be like. :) Anyway, as I began to envision God on His throne, immediately I saw a picture of a rectangle with people walking on it, but it was so bright, almost blinding to the naked eye, but no one was squinting or blinded from it. They were walking around like normal. The Bible says there is no darkness or shadow in heaven. God is light and God is everywhere, therefore shadows and darkness cannot exist in heaven. While I wouldn't necessarily call this a vision, I would say God opened up my imagination just a little bit to see a tiny glimpse of what my earthly mind can comprehend heaven to be like. Immediately I started bawling like a baby. Bawling. Seriously it was a literal "Jesus for real, take the wheel" moment. I could hardly see the road. It wasn't so much because of what I saw, but because I tangibly felt God in my car. It was a presence so thick that my heart could see everything my eyes couldn't. I'm not sure how else to explain it.
Finally the song came to an end and I decided to just put it on repeat. At the same moment in the song, I began sobbing. Every time I listened to the song, at the same exact moment I lost it! There wasn't even a warning. No lump in my throat, no build up of tears. Just BAM! It was crazy - in an amazing way. It was as if God took everything I had laid before Him earlier in my trip and washed it all away. Everything I was struggling with seemed so trivial and still does. Not in a way that it doesn't matter anymore, but in a way that how I feel about it has changed. I felt like a completely different person, and still do.
If I could use a word picture to describe how I felt I would say this: whatever cracks I had in my foundation are completely filled. I feel that I'm standing on a solid foundation again. I feel that the Potter is molding me. I feel like God is real. I have believed in God for as long as I can remember. This was one of those moments where if I ever had doubts as to God's existence, they were washed away. God was clearly speaking to me on this trip. I am humbled, I am blessed.
God.....wow. You are so good.
Here is a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGTJa-xZJiI
